How would you feel if you realize you stripped your self naked in front of someone and that someone didn’t even acknowledge it? I feel exactly the same when I narrate to smartheart how-unfair-the-world-is-to-me chronicles in response to his classic “how was your day?”
I don’t know how wives can keep secrets from their husbands. I am too boring to have any dark secrets; but I can’t even keep my views, thoughts and feelings on everything and everybody from seeking his stamp of approval. I understand that when he proposed to me, I was still a mystery to him and may be that was partly the reason he proposed to me (read: in illusion). But now that I give away too much, he reviews me too soon.
“I married you because I thought you have a good heart,” smartheart says. Did he just use ‘thought’ as in past tense of ‘think’? So what does he think of me now – wicked? Before I conclude the analysis of what he thinks of me, he drawls, “I can’t believe you can think so petty.”
I am glad that Mr. Smartheart is getting to know my yins and yangs, roses and thorns, virtues and vices. I am glad he is getting to know my humanness. If I had selectively communicated to him or manipulated what I thought, he would have only known part of me. But we are not married to parts of each other, but to each other holistically.
Smartheart can continue to form his judgments about me. I refuse to remain a suspense novel at least to the person I am going to spend my entire life with. And he loves me for that.